yeah. sure. fine. ok. whatever...

so, i post on here like once a month for several months in a row. and now i'm posting my usual vague garble - deliberately cryptic still (since it's really just meant for me to understand) - but in rapid succession. something is obviously up. to this i confess. i don't know that i'm going to come right out and talk about it. after all, this is an open blog.

let me just state for the record however, that i can appreciate people for their weaknesses. i truly enjoy flaws. how else could i explain having so many of my own? BUT, when those flaws start to hinder me directly and trip me up with some malice aforethought, now we have a problem. and when those flaws begin to confuse and hurt those that i love, even if it's not by design but as fall out from their behavior towards me... yeah. i'm guessing that you've decoded the fact that i don't like that.

now what to do about it. nothing. it's the worst feeling in the world. helplessness. when someone holds all the cards and uses them to coerce the response they desire - particularly when those "cards" are people - it stinks.

so much for vague. i don't care. i am so frustrated by this system. no one should hold all the cards. well, ok. i don't care so much if He holds all the cards, but He rarely does. maybe that's why i don't mind... blah blah blah.

you know, i thought my mind would be a lot clearer after writing some of this stuff out, but really, i'm just tired. apparently cryptic doesn't do a whole lot for me. even when i'm not.

hmmm...

how do you reason your way out of the completely unreasonable? really, everything made so much more sense just 36 hours ago. you think you know what's going on and how it's all going to play out and then technology (in one of it's many forms) strikes one nefarious blow and everything is different then you thought it would be.

i don't know exactly how i feel about that. i'm sure it's fine. most of the time it's great. but it only takes one moment to change forever. right?

is blogging really connecting?

i miss people. i miss seeing them and hearing about them and just getting the day-to-day down low. blogging has sort of opened up some of those portholes when the people i love the most don't live nearby.

you wouldn't think that it would matter so much to lose contact, but it does. and some things in life are beyond our control - and what's more, they are even beyond the reach of the of the almighty internet.

hand-me-down wisdom

once upon a time my mom was driving down a road in idaho. it was just an average idaho road. it had pretty signifcant ditches on either side. she had been looking for a job for quite a while with not much luck. on the verge on giving up altogether, she mumbled under her breath, "it can't get worse then this."

suddenly, and completely without warning, she lost control of her car. she would learn later that the axel had broken. the car veered off the road and down the embankment where it settled quietly to a stop on a small patch of non-revine ground. silently, she regained her composure and audilbly acknowledged, "yes, i understand now. it can always get worse."