what to do...

what do you do when it seems as though no matter how hard you try, things just continue to work out with a different than anticipated result? perhaps at that point it's time to recognize that you are swimming against the current and just sit back and find the flow.

now, what if it takes you many, many years to make this type of internal discovery? perhaps then you should find a floating device and sleep to the lullaby of the rocking waves until your strength is recovered. once you awaken you will be refreshed and in a completely new place. think of all the fun of discovering the culture, sights and sounds of a totally different environment.

and if a coma isn't an option in reality? take moments to day dream about peace and tranquility and then focus on the tasks at hand. one way or another, one day we will be in a completely new surrounding. we can either enjoy the journey or sleep through life.

i prefer adventure to rest.

tonight we dance

time goes so fast. so fast, in fact, that sometimes i'm not sure i get my recommended daily dose from my minutes. some days i try harder than others to really milk each and every second. some days i don't try so much.

tonight i blasted my music and danced like a 3 year old to "dead man's party" (it is always easier to dance like a 3 year old if you follow the lead of actual 3 year olds - so i did... follow 3 year olds). my life is complex and exhausting. but now and then i get to dance with complete and wild abandon. that makes it perfect.

2008 elections

i have been really drained by this past electoral season. it's definitely been a tough one. i voted. i monitored the polls. i watched the concession speech and then I watched the acceptance speech. i thought that both men were very gracious for a change. the media commented over and over again about the historic weight of the outcome. it was a remarkable race with a momentous outcome.

now the real work begins. if Barack Obama thought campaigning was tough... i hope that John McCain meant what he said. i hope that both parties can overcome their politics and find a way to work together. i really do hope.

well, i hope. that's something, right?

the best title i've heard in a very long time

i know as soon as i write this everyone will want to take it and run... but this title is all mine. the girls gave it to me the other morning. it was a half and half venture on their part. but i'm going to turn it in to a book some day. enjoy the sneak peek.

"Dear Father, sit in the pickle and never give up!"

really. my three year olds said that - verbatim. genius. pure and simple.

wakeful dreaming

i read and then i think i can write. it's a weird train of thought, so i won't try to completely explain.

this morning: "i pushed toward my destiny and my destiny pushed right back. not hard, but it got my attention. i was perfectly still and laid on top of my covers. waking up is a lot of work. it takes so much energy sometimes it almost forces me to go back to sleep and try it again later. for all the effort, i think i should probably just sleep more and try less. but still i try...

"i can hear my kids in the other room. the far away kingdom where my husband rules with an iron fist. actually, i think it must be cotton that's been manipulated and artistfully covered with paint to appear as iron. i can hear it clearly. the girls have him on the run.

"i have my life mapped. i know where i will end up. i think. maybe. stupid! stupid! stupid! in reality i remain perfectly still staring toward the blank popcorn ceiling of our dorm room while my pretend eyes see. see my imaginary second head banging itself into the comfort of a transparent brick wall hovering compassionately inches above my real self.

"i should be terrified. the wall is crumbling with obvious force. crashing on my real me from head to toe. i reassess my body trying to discern my response. i am still. my head casually resting on my right hand with both arms folded behind and above my head. my legs are crossed and limp. i might as well be fishing by a lazy stream in the carolina's somewhere. ah... fishing...

"wait. i don't fish. bubble burst. next thought. kids.

i should go and pretend to be of assistance. i let loose a deep sigh of resignation. i love my life. real or imagined. it's just nice to be me."

who cares if i never catch up

we moved last memorial day. and even though almost all of our stuff is now stored within the walls of our new home, almost none of the common living areas have been unpacked. so, effectively we have been in the process of moving for nearly 3 1/2 months now. some might say if i blogged less and sorted more we might be past this "sorting and organizing" portion of our program. however, i disagree. but of course i would.

truth be told, i don't know if or when i'll get the boxes unpacked, but i almost don't care. of course it would be really nice to have some organization. really nice. hmmmm... yeah. really nice.

today i pretty much got a directive from a prophet telling me to let my home be a house of order. guess it's time to re-prioritize. apparently someone overheard my comments about living in chaos for the duration. guess i'll have to change my ways now. officially being called out by a higher power sort of takes the fun out of living in a mess.

oh well... it was nice while it lasted. actually, it wasn't... it was hectic and unsettling. but it's a lifestyle of the past now.

just got my life back

whew! i love to have a big family. i love having a small family too. sometimes it's hard to know which i prefer. the truth is that enjoy them both for very different reasons. when my family is huge, i love that. when my family is small again i find that very refreshing.

you know what else i find very refreshing? sleep. sleep is a very good thing. know what you don't get too much of with a very big family? sleep. of course, even if your family is very small, if your family is very young you don't get too much sleep either.

damned if you do. damned if you don't. such is life. i'd rather "do" than "don't" though. because then at least you were doing and enjoying when you became damned instead of just sitting around all by yourself.

playing 'catch up'

things are pretty good.

actually, up until 3:26pm today I would have said that things were great! but then at 3:26pm my purse was stolen.

so, "things" have just been demoted to just 'pretty good'.

i think i must have missed a beat...

do you ever find yourself moving forward at a pretty good clip and then out of nowhere - "hmmm... i thought i was in sync with the music, but now i'm way off." i was really starting to enjoy the song, too. aw well. such is life.

happiness is such a relative term.

a little personal consideration

i consider myself to be a fairly positive person. a really close friend of mine confirmed that for me this evening. i have my ups and downs and i can be difficult to live with (just ask scott), but for the most part... i try to smile.

lately, due to any number of different reasons, it's become increasingly more complicated to smile. to the point that i think i actually believed that i couldn't. silly, i know. but true non-the-less. and then yesterday, today and this evening i have had a string of thoughts that really have been pretty earth shattering. very intense and extremely positive. and the best part is that these thoughts weren't painful or overly fantastic. they were more just bump-my-head-with-the-butt-of-my-hand obvious.

i love a lot of things about my life. how strange to let the random day-to-day fog get in my way. i have this high energy family that loves me. i love them too. that's the focus i need to feed. worrying about life will only make me old. besides, if i'm really doing everything i can possibly do to survive, then worrying only steals whatever precious energy is left over. that's just plain irresponsible use of a rare commodity.

i must be in command of my energy. i cannot allow myself to be dictated to by enigmatic thought when i have spent my entire life up to this point convincing everyone on every front that i will not be dictated to - how contrary to me that would be. i have been pouring myself haphazardly in all the wrong places. a lot like a glass of milk that ends up on the floor.

well, no use crying over spilled milk. time to clean it up, figure it out and move on. 2 nephi 2:25, baby.

things my children teach me

sometimes i think that the holidays are too commercial and too this or too that. then i watch my kids are realize that each holiday is pretty much going to be whatever i make of it.

this past Christmas i thought to myself, "toys for very little kids are pretty cheap. so i can buy more things and it can be a really fun morning of gift opening for the girls." on Christmas morning we woke the girls up and brought them down to the front room to see all the presents. it hadn't been too expensive and the tree looked great. the girls got to the first gift (little einsteins play sets) and there they sat. in fact, every time we tried to get them to move to the next present they were really mad.

finally after 45 min of waiting, we distracted them and hid the sets and handed them new gifts. and there they stayed for 2o min. we distracted them again and handed them the next gifts. but they weren't happy. they wanted their other toys back.

so, here's what i figured out. my girls are happy grateful girls. they only expect what i teach them to expect. they are happy with one. they don't need many. I needed lots. i won't make that mistake again. i love the idea of one really nice gift for Christmas. i love the thought of real gratitude for a special, thoughtful gift.

now on to the 4th. we went to a big empty, grassy field with some friends and watched fireworks that were partially obscured by gigantic trees. it was the first 4th that the girls could really enjoy. and they did. they played and laughed and ran around and had a great time. no mobs, no loud scary noises... just fun.

i think these kids of mine might be on to something. simplicity. they really are so clever.

on the fly

i love to travel. i really love to fly. i will road trip if i must, but flight is by far my preference. thus, working for an airline is right up my alley. and though i would prefer to just be filthy stinking rich and pay for air tickets any time to anywhere, that just isn't my life. not yet anyway. so, for now, my life requires that i work and i choose to make the most of it and work for an airline.

i love a couple of things about my trips. the first and foremost - i love to be able to go everywhere. i love being able to share my deep and intense love of travel and people with my children. i love that they are getting to know about my favorite places first hand. i love that being poor doesn't feel quite so bad. i love to explore new places and get away from reality, even if it is only for a minute or two.

i love being able to stay connected in person with people that i would otherwise not be able to see. so even though it's not ideal, it is wonderful for what it is. isn't that mostly the way with life? if you can't live the life you'd love, love the life you're in (and yes, i know that's not technically the way that saying goes, but it works for me).

strange things are afoot

yesterday i thought to myself - man, this has been a very strange day. i don't know if i've had a day this strange for a while. so much reality in such a short span of time. but then the night came and i slept and a new day began.

i have to be completely honest, i've spent most of today thinking... good grief, this is a crazy day too. maybe this is the new norm. gee, i hope not.

i don't know why reality spurs so much emotion. so many people that i love and care about living out so many feelings. and then because i know them i get to feel bits and pieces of them all. it's strange, i don't mind feeling or having compassion while those around me feel. it's 'nice' to feel. is that too trite?

yesterday i felt loss through someone... for someone that i've never even met. and i cried. yesterday i felt fear for someone that i love a lot and followed it up immediately with compassion for the sadness that they felt for someone else. yesterday i felt a little alone because i wasn't sure who i could really describe all these combinations of feelings to. today i felt anxious because i knew that i wasn't ready for my day. today i felt frustrated because i wasn't sure that i could get all the various facets of my life to play nice. today i felt ashamed because i let some of my emotions get the better of me.

tomorrow means hope. so 'hopefully' tomorrow will be better.

i'm so tired

i'm so tired that my teeth hurt. so what makes me think that the answer is staying up later and blogging. guess that's probably not going to help. so, i'll be done for now and sleep. but i'd rather write. i'd rather write about my girls and how funny they are. i'd rather write about how sweet my husband has been lately. i'd rather sit just a little longer and enjoy the silence. but i guess my ache-y body has other ideas. my eye lids are heavy. i'm sure i can sleep. i just need to give myself the chance. guess i'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

ugh. tomorrow. i'm sure it will start much too early. unless i go to sleep now and get plenty of rest. but i'd rather write. -wink-

just because

ok, so i just feel like writing some stuff down and i have no reason and i have no subject. i just want to. i guess that's ok... to just want something just because. i love my family blog and it makes it so easy to keep everyone updated and to keep a family record of what's going on with us. but that's all about the girls and our family. and not only that, but i feel like i have to keep it secure. i don't really want to post all that info on the web for any ol' freakshow to read. i don't care who reads this. i'm not going to spill my guts or give away my position. i'm just going to write. because i can. because i want to.

now here is the kicker. you can read it if you want to. isn't that crazy?!? if you feel like it, you can skip it or read it or comment on it (and these comments actually work correctly - hallelujah!) or whatever. well, you can't edit it or delete it, but you can think about it if you want.

anyway, that's all. it's just another blog. only i'm writing it and it's just for me. enjoy. or don't. whatever.