what has this world come to?

i am kind of over the selfishness and self-serving folk. i think it's ludicrous that people would think that there might be any justification for behaving in any way that would be less than respectful and courteous. even if you don't like someone, you still have no choice to acknowledge that they are human and that they have feelings and thoughts and...

hmmm... i am tired. i hope that somehow this message finds its intended mark. i hope it compels just one person to stop and think before they do one more greedy thing.

why would i change anything?

i have noticed as of late that life has decided to make really quick turns and spins. sometimes i fool myself into believing that if it would just slow a titch and maybe not twist quite so aggressively that i would like it better. but i think i understand now that i would not like that at all.

i like my life full of surprise. the obvious solution to the excitement and tumult would be to try and slow down or manage myself differently. but i don't and when i consider a less interesting path i inevitably infuse adventure and (perhaps a bit more accurately) chaos back into my days... nights... hours... minutes. i like it better that way. helps me remember that i'm a living breathing being.

some of the side effects i could probably live without. but my guess is someday i'll make the decision to take it down a notch. or two. or four. until then i like this. i like energy. i like challenge. i like measurable outcome. i like my life and the people in it. i'm just not willing to alter that right now. some good and some bad is giving me pretty remarkable results. if i remove bad i could eliminate a component of good. not interested.

i feel so zen.

a little perspective, please?

or maybe a little less. who knows.

just about the time you think you're finally getting your balance - just out of the corner of your eye you happen to glimpse the other shoe (or sometimes the whole damn store) falling just to your right.

how is it that i have so many thoughts and feelings... maybe i'd even go so far as to label them 'preminitions' about things, and yet - somehow, i'm never quite prepared for whatever is coming? good things? bad things? no such things.

i don't even know where to begin this time. not even sure it matters. apparently things are going on and i'm not necassarily being inturpretted as essential. whew. had me worried for a minute there. i thought i was actually going to be required to contribute something. at least now i understand the full expectation. now i can at least watch my back.

really? no warning? is this really how adults handle things? i suppose then, that i'm not interested in being an adult at all. i'd much prefer to just get it all out. i'm not a superfan of closed door, special interest groups or their self-serving, cloak and dagger debates.

go on then. persue whatever it is that you think will work best. please just count me out. one casualty is more than enough body count for this little girl.

what i've learned in the past 12 months

someone just made a comment on an old post and it was only then that i realized it's been a full year. wow. time flies.

i guess that's the first thing i've learned... time is going to move with or without me. guess it's better to pack a lunch and go along for the ride. wouldn't that be awful to look back after 12 months and realize that you were in exactly the same spot as you were last year. very sad.

in more recent months the thing that i've learned is to shake off preconceived notions. to make my own templates and forget looking back. for sure my life will work best if i tailor make it. wouldn't i buy custom - well... everything if i could afford it? then why would i try and have a life that i got off the rack. that's just silly. it's the one thing that i can make mine-all-mine/100% original. no more comparison living for me. i'm blazing my own trail.

i suppose i've been doing that all along, but there's always a part of us (because we're human and fallible and all) that wants to make sure that it looks 'right'. but really, what is right? isn't right the way that works best for me? and wouldn't it require custom tweaks if i want to include other people to live in my life and enjoy their own version of 'right'?

i kind of like the direction my life is taking. that's a good thing. after all, it's been a year. motion is positive - if not always pleasant.

my particular point of view

it's interesting to hear the same story from a different perspective. things that are simple or have little or no consequence to one person might be seen as bizarre or possibly even corrupt by some one else. i suppose it has everything to do with our own life stories. how we were raised and how we deal or overcome obstacles in our day-to-day lives.

look, i don't really care what people say or do to me, but don't mess with the people i care about just because you perceive that i've done something wrong. i do my life my way and the best i know how. i'm a highly spiritual person and seek guidance in just about everything. i work to overcome my weakness and i support people in their dreams. i'm a romantic and enjoy highly imaginative people. although i have learned (since engaging in marriage and the experience of raising children) to appreciate stability to a degree, my life draws all of it's energy from the "what might be possible if..." and huge doses of spontaneity.

i would rather spend an entire draining and ridiculous day positioning myself for one spectacular look at something... spectacular, than eating or sleeping. it's only 24 hours. there will be another 24 hours right behind it after all. i can eat or sleep anytime. but truly spectacular only comes around when you watch for it.

i have had some really great people come through my life. each of them offered something different to help me form who i am. i am grateful to those who didn't stand in their way out of petty jealousy. you can't judge me just because you don't agree with me. you can try but i won't worry about it and it probably won't change who i am or how i live my life.

my advice is to get over yourself and live you own life. find your own groove and rumble on. after all, life is about the pursuit of your own version of 'spectacular'. why would you waste your precious time worrying about mine?

yeah. sure. fine. ok. whatever...

so, i post on here like once a month for several months in a row. and now i'm posting my usual vague garble - deliberately cryptic still (since it's really just meant for me to understand) - but in rapid succession. something is obviously up. to this i confess. i don't know that i'm going to come right out and talk about it. after all, this is an open blog.

let me just state for the record however, that i can appreciate people for their weaknesses. i truly enjoy flaws. how else could i explain having so many of my own? BUT, when those flaws start to hinder me directly and trip me up with some malice aforethought, now we have a problem. and when those flaws begin to confuse and hurt those that i love, even if it's not by design but as fall out from their behavior towards me... yeah. i'm guessing that you've decoded the fact that i don't like that.

now what to do about it. nothing. it's the worst feeling in the world. helplessness. when someone holds all the cards and uses them to coerce the response they desire - particularly when those "cards" are people - it stinks.

so much for vague. i don't care. i am so frustrated by this system. no one should hold all the cards. well, ok. i don't care so much if He holds all the cards, but He rarely does. maybe that's why i don't mind... blah blah blah.

you know, i thought my mind would be a lot clearer after writing some of this stuff out, but really, i'm just tired. apparently cryptic doesn't do a whole lot for me. even when i'm not.

hmmm...

how do you reason your way out of the completely unreasonable? really, everything made so much more sense just 36 hours ago. you think you know what's going on and how it's all going to play out and then technology (in one of it's many forms) strikes one nefarious blow and everything is different then you thought it would be.

i don't know exactly how i feel about that. i'm sure it's fine. most of the time it's great. but it only takes one moment to change forever. right?

is blogging really connecting?

i miss people. i miss seeing them and hearing about them and just getting the day-to-day down low. blogging has sort of opened up some of those portholes when the people i love the most don't live nearby.

you wouldn't think that it would matter so much to lose contact, but it does. and some things in life are beyond our control - and what's more, they are even beyond the reach of the of the almighty internet.

hand-me-down wisdom

once upon a time my mom was driving down a road in idaho. it was just an average idaho road. it had pretty signifcant ditches on either side. she had been looking for a job for quite a while with not much luck. on the verge on giving up altogether, she mumbled under her breath, "it can't get worse then this."

suddenly, and completely without warning, she lost control of her car. she would learn later that the axel had broken. the car veered off the road and down the embankment where it settled quietly to a stop on a small patch of non-revine ground. silently, she regained her composure and audilbly acknowledged, "yes, i understand now. it can always get worse."

tasteful living

sometimes i think that i have a very specific taste for a lifestyle and maybe part of the reason that things don't differ all that much from day-to-day is because i don't really branch out. i just keep going back for the "taste" i'm most familiar with. wow. if that's true, that's really dumb.