wakeful dreaming

i read and then i think i can write. it's a weird train of thought, so i won't try to completely explain.

this morning: "i pushed toward my destiny and my destiny pushed right back. not hard, but it got my attention. i was perfectly still and laid on top of my covers. waking up is a lot of work. it takes so much energy sometimes it almost forces me to go back to sleep and try it again later. for all the effort, i think i should probably just sleep more and try less. but still i try...

"i can hear my kids in the other room. the far away kingdom where my husband rules with an iron fist. actually, i think it must be cotton that's been manipulated and artistfully covered with paint to appear as iron. i can hear it clearly. the girls have him on the run.

"i have my life mapped. i know where i will end up. i think. maybe. stupid! stupid! stupid! in reality i remain perfectly still staring toward the blank popcorn ceiling of our dorm room while my pretend eyes see. see my imaginary second head banging itself into the comfort of a transparent brick wall hovering compassionately inches above my real self.

"i should be terrified. the wall is crumbling with obvious force. crashing on my real me from head to toe. i reassess my body trying to discern my response. i am still. my head casually resting on my right hand with both arms folded behind and above my head. my legs are crossed and limp. i might as well be fishing by a lazy stream in the carolina's somewhere. ah... fishing...

"wait. i don't fish. bubble burst. next thought. kids.

i should go and pretend to be of assistance. i let loose a deep sigh of resignation. i love my life. real or imagined. it's just nice to be me."

who cares if i never catch up

we moved last memorial day. and even though almost all of our stuff is now stored within the walls of our new home, almost none of the common living areas have been unpacked. so, effectively we have been in the process of moving for nearly 3 1/2 months now. some might say if i blogged less and sorted more we might be past this "sorting and organizing" portion of our program. however, i disagree. but of course i would.

truth be told, i don't know if or when i'll get the boxes unpacked, but i almost don't care. of course it would be really nice to have some organization. really nice. hmmmm... yeah. really nice.

today i pretty much got a directive from a prophet telling me to let my home be a house of order. guess it's time to re-prioritize. apparently someone overheard my comments about living in chaos for the duration. guess i'll have to change my ways now. officially being called out by a higher power sort of takes the fun out of living in a mess.

oh well... it was nice while it lasted. actually, it wasn't... it was hectic and unsettling. but it's a lifestyle of the past now.

just got my life back

whew! i love to have a big family. i love having a small family too. sometimes it's hard to know which i prefer. the truth is that enjoy them both for very different reasons. when my family is huge, i love that. when my family is small again i find that very refreshing.

you know what else i find very refreshing? sleep. sleep is a very good thing. know what you don't get too much of with a very big family? sleep. of course, even if your family is very small, if your family is very young you don't get too much sleep either.

damned if you do. damned if you don't. such is life. i'd rather "do" than "don't" though. because then at least you were doing and enjoying when you became damned instead of just sitting around all by yourself.